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Relationships as the third pathway to a happy life

3/25/2011

 
Relationships - the R in PERMA.

Most of us have always known that relationships - sharing life with loved ones, such as partners, friends, family, children, grandchildren and even pets – is good for us.  What has changed is that over the past decade research has consistently found that supportive social connections are fundamental to feeling good[1].  And in a recent UK opinion poll,  73% of people mentioned relationships as the only or one of their definitions of happiness
[2]. 

Our previous blogs about pathways to happiness focused on positive thoughts and experiences within ourselves.  But relationships take the focus outward.  Ed Diener’s research tells us that positive relationships contribute to positive experiences.  Positive traits like love, kindness, fairness, and social intelligence make it possible for us to make other people happy, and as Christopher Petersen said of positive psychology:  “Other people matter"”[3].   Seligman even says that happy people are extremely social
[4]. 

Other people exist in many different relationships to us, such as friends, lovers, siblings, colleagues, parents, etcetera -  and now we are going to take a closer look at generating mutually beneficial positive experiences for some of these relationships.

Spread around a little relationship happiness by positively greeting friends or colleagues with a friendly smile or handshake – so says John Yeager[5]  about the power of positive saluting.  He believes that a positive greeting involves three pathways to happiness:  pleasure, engagement and meaning.

When we greet someone sincerely, it is usually enjoyable for both parties and brings a smile to one’s face.  Because one is communicating verbally,  visually and kinesthetically it can be quite engaging – providing a sense of flow.  If we greet someone or say goodbye to them, use their name,  shake their hand or pat their shoulder,  we create a pleasant physical response in ourselves and in the person being greeted.  Using all our senses in this interaction can be very engaging or flow-like and bring us into the present moment.  And an authentic interchange says: “You matter.”   Most of us want others to listen to us, to be taken seriously and to matter to others.  Whenever we use someone’s name, it makes them experience all of these positive emotions.  Our awareness of this fact in turn makes us feel good about ourselves.

Sulynn[6] says that the conscious choice to “be nice” to others can help us thrive even when we find ourselves in trouble.  She urges us to stay away from gossip, envy, ill feelings, the need to be right, concern about what others might think about us, and generally self-righteousness. We should smile often and laugh from the belly and find the joy in any interpersonal encounter.

Sulynn further suggests that we should practice this habit of being nice to others because it can sometimes be difficult to adopt new habits, but fortunately for us, as Baumeiste[7]  writes, a new habit (positive living) grows stronger - like a muscle - the more we use it.  When we experience positive emotions, we send out positive vibes and attract/inspire the same around us.  Try it.  Smile at EVERYone and watch reactions.  Practice random acts of kindness, and then sit back and enjoy the positive glow.

Petersen says there are no happy hermits.   The well known study on the very happiest people showed that they all had strong, supportive relationships.   Try savoring a great glass of wine or your favorite music on your own – which can be a very pleasant and engaging experience.  And then try sharing savoring it with your partner.  Take the time to describe to each other every sensory input and feeling it creates and take turns listening to one another.  As Amy Donovan says in her article about relationships[8], savoring-for-two is double the pleasure.  Not only does one enjoy the exercise of savoring, but the shared experience results in a sense of closeness with one’s partner and in positive emotions all round.  Positive emotions have been shown to broaden and build, meaning that experiencing positive emotions is linked to improving our thought-action repertoire, attention, creativity, and durable personal resources.  It seems like a very good reason to plan these positive savoring experiences with a partner, doesn’t it? And it demonstrates how people in strong supportive relationships end up being such happy people.

Marelisa Fabrega[9]  reminds us of  “elevation”, a term coined by Jonathan Haidt.  This puts a bit of a different spin on things, as it is all about the pleasant physical sensation that comes from witnessing goodness in others.  Haidt found that it evokes in us a desire to become a better person, or to lead a better life. UC Berkeley psychologist Dacher Keltner[10] is a pioneer in the study of elevation and he explains that it’s characterized by a warm, open, pleasant feeling, “liquid warmth in the chest and a lump in the throat.”  Or we might say that seeing people being nice gives us as a warm and fuzzy feeling.  One can feel elevation if you listen to something profound like Martin Luther King’s speech “I Have a Dream”, and it can also be triggered by simple things like watching a stranger helping another stranger.

In Haidt’s article he includes an anecdote from Thomas Jefferson’s life. In 1771 Jefferson’s  friend Robert Skipwith wrote to him asking for advice on what books to buy for his library. Jefferson sent back a long list of titles in history, philosophy, and natural science. He also included some works of fiction and he justified this advice by pointing to the beneficial emotional effects of great fiction:

“[E]very thing is useful which contributes to fix us in the principles and practice of virtue. When any … act of charity or of gratitude, for instance, is presented either to our sight or imagination, we are deeply impressed with its beauty and feel a strong desire in ourselves of doing charitable and grateful acts also ... [I ask whether] the fidelity of Nelson, and generosity of Blandford in Marmontel do not dilate [the reader's] breast, and elevate his sentiments as much as any similar incident which real history can furnish? Does he not in fact feel himself a better man while reading them, and privately covenant to copy the fair example?”

It seems that self transcending emotions really make us want to be better people.  Other examples of self-transcending emotions include:

  • Awe: That sense of vastness of the universe that is often invoked by nature, art or music.
  • Admiration: That goose-bump-making thrill that comes from seeing exceptional skill in action.
  • Gratitude: That feeling of well-being that comes from the sense that we live in a world of bounty and generosity.
Whenever we have these positive self transcending emotions, we experience happiness.  “Researchers found that the merriment of one person can ripple out and cause happiness in people up to three degrees away: that is, if you’re happy, you increase the chance of joy in your close friend by 25%; a friend of that friend enjoys a 10% increased chance. And that friend’s friend has a 5.6% higher chance. So your level of happiness can affect the level of happiness of people you don’t even know.”  (Fabrega).

So it seems despite John-Paul Sartre’s protestations that “Hell is other People,” it appears that the evidence leans firmly towards Christopher Peterson’s summary of positive psychology that “Other People Matter” (2006).  Peterson also came up with the following interesting insights about people engaging positively with people:
  • People who are sociable and extraverted experience more positive affect (emotion) than those who are not.
  • People who spend more time with others are happier than those who spend a lot of time alone.
  • People who have many friends are happier than those who have only a few.
  • And people who are married are happier than those who are divorced or widowed.  A seven decade long Harvard study found that a good marriage at age 50 predicts healthy ageing better than does a low cholesterol level at 50   - George Vaillant[11] .
Lucy Ryan[12] writes that when Peter Warr and Roy Payne[13] asked a representative sample of British adults what, if anything, had emotionally strained them the day before, their most frequent answer was “Family.” However, asked what prompted yesterday’s  times of pleasure, the same British sample, by an even larger margin, again answered, “Family.” For most of us it seems that relationships provide not only our greatest heartaches but also our greatest comfort and joy.

On the topic of family,  Sue Palmer writes in her new book[14]that happiness these days can easily be mistaken for being represented by ‘Stuff’ .  Sue says of today’s kids that “what they need is Presence, not presents.”   Spending time playing with our kids can be one of the most rewarding activities in a day – for both parents and kids.

Virginia Lewis and Dianne Borders[15]  found sexual satisfaction to be the second strongest predictor of life satisfaction for single middle-aged professional women, after job satisfaction.  No doubt that although this particular study did not include men, the results for them would be similar.  Sex seems both to contribute to and reflect how happy we are in a relationship.  A mismatch in levels of sexual desire within a couple is associated with poorer relationships (Blais, Sabourin, Boucher and Valler)[16].  And heterosexual women’s feelings of love, trust, passion, intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction have been found to correlate with the frequency and quality of sex (Costa and Brody)
[17].

Ryan and DecIi[18] came up with some interesting self affirming aspects of a quality sex life:  

1.        Positive sex happens when both partners are interested and actively choose what to do between the sheets. Rather than enacting scripts, by consciously being aware and able to communicate their own authentic desires their need for autonomywas fulfilled.

2.        Partners who felt they knew what they were doing in the bedroom and were able to develop their sensual repertoire fulfilled the basic need for competence.

3.        They also felt intimate, desired, loved and respected, fulfilling the need to relate to others. 

Sexual expression is an opportunity to experience psychological growth and well-being.  There are studies showing that arousal and orgasm also have positive and vital physiological effects, and that it helps us to advance and embrace “the good life” in our relationships.

We often use the word ‘love’ to describe how we feel about the people with whom we share relationships.  Cohen[19]  thinks that love is probably essential to the human condition. We all need attachments to others; we all need to love and be loved.  If not, asks Cohen, why would people write love songs?

Love comes in many different forms – although romantic love is the one we think about when we hear the love songs – falling head over heels, exciting rush of emotions.    Jon Haidt[20] explains that in romantic love there are in fact two stages.  The first, the one that Hollywood usually celebrates is called Passionate Love.  This is the love where we nuzzle, we gaze into each others’ eyes, and we “fall” into love.  The second stage of romantic love is called Companionate Love.  After you have known someone for a while, once you know his or her quirks, once you have decided to join your lives together, then you are companions, and your love is companionate in nature.

Then there is also the love for our parents, children and friends  -  all profound kinds of love.  Stephen Post gives us different classifications of love[21].  He says that the types of love include:
  • Celebration
  • Compassion
  • Forgiveness
  • Care
  • Companionship
  • Correction
The different textures of these kinds of love make us more aware of the fine tuning of the emotions we feel when we say we love someone. This is useful because this kind of granulation allows us to appreciate the fine gradations of our feelings when we talk about this grand thing called love.

Oxytocin, a ‘feel good’ hormone  is released when we hug one another, and mirror neurons fire when we are communicating with the ones we love.  Although there is underlying science, what matters is how love makes us feel.   It is about how the way my mother’s hug feels, how that look from him makes my heart beat quicken. We can give it words, we can give it science, but at the end of the day, what we feel borders on the magical, because it happens uniquely to us, in only that rarified situation. When we feel it deep in our hearts and our brains, our need to translate it into words and science recedes into the background. Maybe that’s why we have love songs. They allow us to feel it, to confirm that love does exists, and that people definitely love each other.  Other people matter to us.

Next time we look at the M in PERMA – Meaning. 

References:

1.        The Science of happiness By Mike Rudin BBC Series producer, The Happiness Formula

2.        Test your happiness – BBC program.Copyright by Professor Ed Diener, University of Illinois

3.        Peterson, C. & Seligman, M. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. Oxford: Oxford University Press

4.        Diener, E., & Seligman, M.E.P. (2002). Very happy people. Psychological Science, 13, 81-84.

5.       
I’ve Got A Name – The Power of Positive Salutation by John Yeager (Positive Psychology News Daily)

6.        How do you Propose we Share Positive Psychology with Strangers? by Sulynn (Positive Psychology News Daily)

7.        Baumeister, R. F., Gailliot, M., DeWall, C. N., Oaten, M. (In press) Self-Regulation and Personality: How Interventions Increase Regulatory Success, and How Depletion Moderates the Effects of Traits on Behavior. Journal of Personality

8.       
Positive Psychology: Party of Two by Amy Donovan(Positive Psychology News Daily)

9.        Pleasant Emotions: Elevation and Other Self-Transcending Emotions by Marelisa Fabrega web article 

10.     Keltner, D., & Haidt, J. (1999). Social functions of emotions at multiple levels of analysis. Cognition and Emotion, 13 (5), 505-522

11.     Vaillant, GE (2002), Aging Well, Boston, Little Brown

12.     Lucy Ryan:
Advice from the Tribesman: Too Simple for the World?  

13.     Warr, P., & Payne, R.(1982). Experiences of strain and pleasure among British adults. Social Science and Medicine, 16, 1691-1697

14.     Sue Palmer: Detoxing Childhood, and 21st Century Boys: how modern life can drive them off the rails, and how we can get them back on track 

15.     Lewis, V.G., Borders, D. L. (1995). Life satisfaction of single middle-aged professional women. Journal of Counseling and Development, Vol. 74,  93 – 100  

16.     Blais, M.R., Sabourin, S., Boucher, C., Vallerand, R. J. (1990). Toward a motivational model of couple happiness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 59, 1021 – 1031.

17.     Costa, R. M., Brody, S. (2007). Women’s relationship quality is associated with specifically penile – vaginal intercourse orgasm and frequency. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, Vol. 21,  319 – 327

18.      Deci, Edward L. (2006). Richard M. Ryan. ed. The Handbook of Self-Determination Research. University of Rochester Press 

19.    
What is Love Anyway? By Aren Cohen (Positive Psychology News Daily)

20.     Haidt, J. (2006). The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom. New York: Basic Books.

21.      Post, S. G. (2003). Unlimited Love: Altruism, Compassion, and Service. Philadelpha, PA: Templeton Foundation Press.

Engagement / Being in Flow / In the Zone

3/11/2011

2 Comments

 
Today we are looking at the second pathway to a happy life - Engagement, also known as 'being in the Zone,' or 'experiencing Flow'. Even if it all sounds a bit strange, I am sure you have been there.

Discovering the enjoyment of life ‘In The Zone’ – immersion in activities that bring total focus, creativity and personal fulfillment is one of the greatest contributors to authentic happiness. When one is in The Zone, time passes without our notice, we have almost no sense of what is happening around us, we don't hear the phone ringing, we are so busy having fun that we don't want it to stop... You know it - we have all been there at some time, and probably not often enough. When people are immersed in doing something they love doing, benefits such as good health, longevity and fulfilling personal relationships become much more readily attainable.

People in the Zone are normally busy doing something that they are really good at. So if you ever wanted a clue about what you are best at, think back of the times you have found yourself in the Zone and try to remember what you were busy doing at the time.

When one is so totally immersed in an activity there is not much room for feeling anything. Which can be a good thing. It is a good way to banish the blues or bad thoughts and events out of your mind. People in the Zone exhibit extraordinary creativity and problem solving abilities, as well as focus far beyond their normal levels.

And another thing about being in the Zone is that when you eventually come out of it, you may feel tired or drained, but you will be happy. The act of reflecting back on the intense immersion is a joy-promoting activity of itself.

But being engaged offers another dimension of happiness too – it is the dimension of being in the present. It is not possible to feel sad or negative when your entire awareness is focused on the present. The bad thing about focusing on the past is that that is the place where some of the bad things happened which could influence our current thoughts. So hanging around in the past isn’t a clever thing to do.

But neither is hanging around in the future. Because then you are in dreamer mode – where you think about what must be, but you are not making it happen.  But in the present, you ARE MAKING IT HAPPEN. It is the most powerful place to be and the only part of your life that is almost completely under your control.  It is difficult to justify spending much time in any dimension other than the one where you are in charge. And it is a conscious choice to live in the present.  It is a way in which you can take responsibility for your thoughts.

So what to do if you are really trying hard to focus on the present but the shadows of the past are trying to pull you back all the time? Or the dreams of the future are seducing you to follow them into a place where you won’t manage to accomplish anything? The easiest answer is to engage all or as many of your senses as you can to bring you into the present.

Waking up your senses is a sure-fire way to land yourself in the present.  The act of engaging with a flower is an awesome example of getting yourself into the present. You can look at the flower and appreciate it’s colour by using your visual sense.  Enjoying the perfume of the flower and perhaps placing a drop of it’s sweet nectar on your tongue will wake up your sense of smell and taste.  You may be lucky enough to find a bee buzzing around the flower to engage your sense of hearing and if you brush your fingers over the petals or the thorns your tactile sense will come alive.  Savoring such an engaging experience is yet another way of engaging the event long after it has passed, but getting the same positive emotion benefits as if it were happening right now.

If you are a passionate nature lover, art lover, music lover, dancer, speed freak, athlete or artist of any description, then engaging your senses will be one of the ways to take you from an ordinary moment to an engaged moment.

Caring human touch is responsible for release of oxytocin – also known as the cuddle hormone, which promotes human bonding. Bonding is an activity that makes you feel good about being in the present, and it is uncommon to feel any emotion but joy in the moment of human bonding.

It has been an invigorating experience sharing the benefits of living an engaged life in the present moment with you. I reluctantly withdraw myself from the Zone I occupied while writing this post, but I am so pleased to reflect on having been able to share this really cool information with you.

Next time we will unpack the R in PERMA, Relationships. I don't know too much about research in relationships and positive emotion right now, so I have to go do some homework for our next post.

Be present, be in the Zone for as many hours per day as you can manage!

2 Comments

Positive Emotion

3/11/2011

 
The Five Pathways to a Happy Life Blog:  Positive Emotion

Martin Seligman is working on a new book, Flourish: A new understanding of happiness and well-being – and how to achieve them. I was lucky enough to get a sneak preview of his soon to be published pathways to happiness from this book, which are encapsulated in the acronym PERMA: Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment.

I thought it would be interesting to unpack these pathways, one a time, as blog entries to explore how these pathways can lead us to be happy.  (These entries can also be found on our FB site's Discussions page.)

So we start off by taking a look at the P of PERMA -

Positive Emotion:

The emotion that I have now is the direct result of the choices I made previously. If I am angry, I can choose to hold on to my anger or I can shrug it off and move on. If I feel sad, I can choose to focus on what or who made me sad and I can continue contemplating my sadness for the rest of the day, or I can deliberately focus on something more positive, and move on from the negative emotions. Personally I find that no matter how negative I feel, I can always focus on something good by doing one of the following:

*  listening to music I enjoy;
*  reading a good book or re-reading a poem or even an  article that made me laugh,
*  enjoying an aromatic cup of coffee - preferably with someone I like;
*  stroking the soft fur of one of my pets or letting my fingers trail over the lush feel of silk;
*  thinking back to a happy time in my life, like that amazing concert I attended or the unforgettable holiday our family had a few years ago;
*  looking at inspiring works of art or photos of art;
*  dancing, walking, swimming - doing stuff that push up my pulse rate and make my feel alive;
*  giving or receiving a hug from someone I care for;
*  ticking an item off my to do list that has been sitting there for too long;
*  talking to a friend who really needs a pep talk;
*  wearing an item of clothing in a colour that really suits me;
*  smiling at strangers and getting the odd smile back;
doing someone an unexpected favour; and so on.

It is possible, with very little effort, to redirect one's own negative thoughts and to focus on something that gives you joy. Thinking joyful thoughts is a habit that can be learned, just the same way we sometimes learn to think about negative stuff. What is so cool about thinking positive stuff is that it really allows one to take charge of one's thoughts. Now that is cool! My thoughts, my power to choose to be happy!! That must be what the clever folks mean when they say we have to take charge of our lives... I feel pretty empowered and energised just writing about it, imagine how good you will feel if you go give it a try. And then come write a post on this wall to let us know if it worked for you.

We'll be back with some chit chat about the E in PERMA - Engagement (or being in the Flow).

Be happy!
:-)

Lifespan of Positive Psychology

3/8/2011

 
This article from Jeremy McCarthy appeared last night on Positive Psychology Daily News and it seems to fit in very well with our last blog item. Herewith a cut down version:

What is the Lifespan of Positive Psychology? By Jeremy McCarthy
Positive psychology was created to address an overwhelming bias in the psychological and social sciences towards a deficit based approach to mental health. The science of psychology, which was focused on the cataloguing and treatment of mental disorders and weaknesses, was not spending a sufficient amount of time and attention on human flourishing and strengths—the positive side of the equation. By looking at mental health with a different kind of perspective, one based on prevention rather than treatment, on flourishing rather than illness, and on strengths rather than weaknesses, positive psychology has given us a new vocabulary to use when analyzing human wellness. This was the theme of Martin Seligman’s address to the APA in 1998.


A New Bias?
Another Biased View?But there are some who argue that while positive psychology has done right to address an existing bias, it does so by introducing a new bias, one that underestimates the value of negative emotions, and does not do enough to address the clinical needs of its consumers. Critics of positive psychology such as Barbara Held argue that positive psychology creates a false dichotomy, presuming that the positive and negative aspects of well-being should be categorized and studied under different umbrellas, rather than via a more holistic, integrated approach. Some say that positive psychology discounts the importance of negative emotions and overlooks the potential downsides of positive mental resources. Being too optimistic for example, can make someone do things that are imprudent. Some even go so far as to say that positive psychology is guilty of sloppy science. Rather than scientifically trying to understand well-being, they claim it presupposes that positive aspects are good and then sets about trying to prove these preconceived notions.

Has Positive Psychology Served its Purpose?

In spite of these criticisms, I think most people agree that positive psychology has indeed served an important role in correcting the science’s existing bias towards the negative. The question becomes, once this bias is corrected, does positive psychology simply fade away, leaving a more holistic, balanced and integrated psychology behind in its stead? Or will we always need this new domain to keep us from lapsing back to our focus on the dark side? Some psychologists, for example Alex Linley and colleagues have suggested that positive psychology should not live on forever. It will have served its purpose by recalibrating our perspective on mental health in a way that takes the positive aspects into account. Articles by Ingram and Snyder and by Maddi suggest that an integrated approach that blends the perspective of positive psychology with other existing areas of research would yield the most useful applications.But Alex Linley, who had previously argued that a successful positive psychology would quietly disappear after nudging psychology into a more balanced approach, recently indicated that positive psychology had passed a tipping point and would be around for quite some time.

What Shape Does the Future of Positive Psychology Take? Three Views
Paul Wong, a psychologist who focuses on the study of meaning and purpose, calls for the creation of Positive Psychology 2.0, a more integrated approach that is not only focused on positive traits that yield positive results but also understanding how negative traits can bring about positive outcomes and how positive traits can sometimes be harmful. From Wong’s perspective, positive psychology will live beyond simply a corrective mechanism to fix our imbalanced science if it focuses on answering the ultimate questions of what makes life worth living and improving human flourishing, although others might argue that all science should have this goal and therefore this does not in and of itself distinguish positive psychology from other aspects of the social sciences.In their new textbook, editors Michael Steger and Todd Kashdan take a critical look at the state of positive psychology today. They caution that positive psychology’s narrow focus on increasing happiness doesn’t take into account individual differences in goals and values and is diametrically opposed to a broader definition of well-being based on mindfulness or psychological flexibility. In their view, the simple tools, singular variables, and rudimentary measurements used by positive psychology today are too static and fail to capture the complex circumstances and individual differences that are important to well-being. Steger and Kashdan also warn positive psychologists that the demand for applications is powerful, but can pull the science to market before it has been adequately validated. They caution scientists in the field, who by their nature want to spread their research quickly to make an impact on the world, to consider how their work could be misused. A part of positive psychology’s mission has to be about educating the public on how to understand the limitations of the science.One of the founders of positive psychology, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, joined with his colleague Jeanne Nakamura to took a fresh look at the possible future of the field in the first chapter of the same book. Nakamura and Csiksentmihalyi feel there are those who would like to see positive psychology move towards a single unified theory of human flourishing. Others would like to see a balanced, integrated psychology. They propose a third alternative that is probably the most realistic, that positive psychology will remain as an area that draws people to rally around a shared purpose. And while there is energy around that purpose, the domain will grow organically. As he describes it, positive psychologists will continue to hold dual citizenship with one foot on the positive side and one foot in a more traditional area of psychology.They also sound optimistic about the continued growth and expansion of positive psychology, at least in part driven by the unique nature of the science. An emphasis on strengths, positive emotions, relationships, hope, and a sense of purpose not only creates interesting and previously neglected areas for research, but research findings also give these specialists greater psychological tools to create their own successes in developing this growing field. These virtues might not only be core constructs at the foundation of a new science, but could also serve as the fuel that will propel it into a brighter future.

First Post!

3/1/2011

1 Comment

 
Pop psychology has been telling us for years that we have to think happy thoughts.  What new  is Positive Psychology bringing to the party?
1 Comment

    Author: Ally

    Hi, if you are new here, you may want to subscribe to the RSS feed at the bottom of this page. Thanks for visiting!
    I do positive psychology because it makes me a happier and more fulfilled person.   And I care about creating greater awareness of the choices people have for living happy and fulfilled lives based on their personal strengths. 
    My top strength is love of learning and this blog is about sharing what I have learned. 

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